Highest Paid Profession

i was walking this afternoon, when i overheard a conversation among 4 boys, elementary students, around the corner of the street.
"Who do you think has the highest salary?"
"Well, i have to say footballer. Especially when the season starts"
"No, you dumb-ass (pardon the language), the highest paid profession will be the president"
"I think the General in Army will be the winner. They get more salary than policemen, right?"

The conversation continue, as i walked away to my office.
It is funny how generation changes. When i was their age, i never think about what profession will get the highest salary. I only think about what i want to be in the future. I want to be a doctor. Because i dream on singing to my patients during their examination haha. Unfortunately, i dislike science. And i do not like needles. Hence, i change my goal.

Despite the young age they had, those kids had been thinking about money in ways i never thought about when i was their age. Those kids had been thinking about how to earn a lot of money, due to the increasing prices of our daily needs. And it's not wrong. But, somehow i still prefer to work on something that i love, even though i do not earn money as much as president (for example). Yes, it sounds too cliche. But i really hope my path of work will eventually lead me there. Quoting a line i remember the most from a book called "Letters to Matthew", "Find your passion, and you'll never need to work again". Well, I am on my way there :)

For those kids, i sure hope a bright future awaits for you.
Till then, be good at school. Play often. Fight several times. And just enjoy whatever episode life brings to you :)

escapade to solo - part 1

last week, my working team went to Solo for our client's company visit. it was fun. aside from learning about their latest technology and information, we and the media were invited to learn how to 'membatik' at Kampung Lawean. i was very excited. though i didn't draw the pattern, but i did most of 'menchanting' and coloring process. we learned 'membatik' on an unfinished t-shirt. the people at Kampung Lawean will finalized our t-shirt and send it to Jakarta.

Then, we were accompanied to see several tourism places at Kampung Lawean. The first one was a small mosque or Langgar in bahasa. This Langgar was built around 1500-ish, with a bit frightening story. it is called Langgar Merdeka. The most interesting part on this Langgar was because thay have this tower on the 5th floor. to get there, we had to climbed a very narrow stairs. on top, we could see Solo. it was very remarkable. to add my enthusiastic, our liasson officer was a good looking man hahaha. what can i say, i am allowed to see all good things God has created for us, including men :D

the next place we visited was to batik production places. There we saw the making of a sheet of batik, both 'writting batik' or the printed one. We also saw the coloring and washing process. and we were offered to buy a pretty cheap batik. i bought one for IDR 90thousand. yeaay! Then, we saw a bunker on a house's basement. It was built on Pajang Kingdom, if i'm not mistaken. It was scary and dusty. At first, i would like to try to enter the bunker. one second thought, i didn't think i'm not that brave. and i could caught on flu. hence, i decided to stay and watched someone else tried to walk on that bunker.

Aside that, we also saw a cemetery and several other old places around Kampung Lawean. it was fun and exhausting. but, it was the best decision to take the media (and us, of course) to see the beautiful places at Kampung Lawean.

I sure hope that one day i can go there by myself, and discover some other beautiful and old places there. finger crossed :D

this is half story of my short escape to solo.
i will share the others later..

december thought

it is december.
few things happen in my life for the past month.

first, i did not change my clothes. i chose to stay a little bit more, gain more knowledge, learn more from my place right now. several people asked me, why did i turn the offer down? did i get a better offer to stay? well, the answer will be NO. i had a lot of doubt that time. i tried to think logically. and after days of confusion, i decided to stay. even when i did it, i still have doubts. did i make the right choice? but then again, let me ask, what is the right choice? when do you consider you choice is the right choice? alas, i stay. i will try give and learn my best. if i had to lose or made mistake, i do it. i will not make any regret by choosing this :)

another, i have been thinking about something lately - boyfriend girlfriend relationship related.
the more i grow up and see a lot of cheat and lust in couple, the more i feel insecure to have spouse. well, if you can have all the attention and sweet-gestures without any commitment, why should you have one? i mean, i look around myself and i find a lot of that forms of love.
when i can make you happy and you can make me happy in a condition like this, why should we bound to each other, when there's a possibility that that bond ruins everything's good between us?

if only mickey and minnie live in this world, they will be the most perfect couple on earth. No matter how much they fight or apart from each other, they still believe that they're meant to be together.

i wanna find my very own 'mickey mouse'
till we meet someday, dear mickey :)

to whom it may concern

how do we go from here to there?
how does time change who we are?

everyday passes by just like that.
how could you be happy while I am not?
how could you smiling and I am crying?

someone told me yesterday, that i have this big resentment in my heart.
to whom the feeling occur to, is my question.
to you, who has been always happy since that day?
or to you who has this big future waiting ahead?

am tired feeling like this.
like i am the lowest creature in this big chain of food.

bla bla bla
i wish i would be able to write a happy post soon.

in between

for the past 2 weeks, i was haunted by a choice whether to use the same clothes i am at the moment, or having new clothes in green. I have been talking and asking a lot of advices over and over again. and yet, i still can't have a solid answer about my preference. I realize that there will always a cross-section in you whole life. no one says it's gonna be an easy choice. but i never realize that it takes me a lot of times and energy to make a decision.

i was always that person who know what i really really want. i know what my purposes are. thus, every time i decide to do something, i always bring my heart in it. although i wasn't success at some choices i made, i never regret it. that, until now. at the moment. current time.

now, i can't even answer the core question: what do i want?
i do not have any idea about what i want at the moment.
and i don't have much time.
actually, i only have less than 24 hours left to decide, before i am drowned in a cupboard filled with clothes, jeans, dresses. drowned with half heart. only use anything on this cupboard.

should i change my clothes now?
should i?

i don't know what i want.
my mood was better this morning. i did all of my jobs, and now i try to finish other task.
quite a good employee, right?
noo big no.

i found a little clue about what's happening to me right now. maybe the reason why God haven't gave me all the things i want, is because when God gives me something, i do not appreciate it the way i should have. maybe i was too stubborn to realize that what i am now, is God's best plan for now. and that i should appreciate it better.
So that's what i am gonna do. i will try hard to appreciate everything i have been given. and one day, I hope God will hear my prayers and dreams and makes it all come true.

amiiinnn

cry

the last time i cry hard was when somebody did not appreciate what i did. and keep blaming me. i admited that i might do something that was probably causing the problem. i have tried to reduce the problems by busting my ass off to save it. and yet, not even i get a thank you, that person still blamed me. and once again, i tried hard to save it and i MADE IT!! it was I who did it. ME.

now, i really REALLY wanna cry. i feel useless.
where the hell my so-called close friends? where the hell are they?
i can't think.
i can't work right now.

dream catcher or failure?

here's the deal, i took a vacancy in an international based fast retailing. and i did not get accepted the first screening test, which based only on my essai. while my other friends, git accepted.
life's not fair, huh? damn right it is.
and i took another opportunity and i did not get accepted either.
is this some kind of jokes?
just when i started to believe that the more you try the higher possibility you'll get, this happens.
should i keep on trying?
should i just living the path i live know? and just accept the truth that i'm just an ordinary girl who tries to do big things?
to whom should i call and breakdown and cry?
i do not need a lecture, just need a nice words to cheer me up.
i wish someone read my blog and call me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay.

Grrrr

why is it all the younger, lower in title, newbie always ALWAYS be the one to blame on?
WHY?
and why oh why should i always feel like everything is MY fault?
i admit i didn't aware of that thing, but it doesn't mean i'm stupid, careless.
who the hell am i knowing everything in here?
knowing all the do's and dont's?
and i DID see and review it, i just don't know if that thing was wrong.

yeah yeah yeah.
blame on me.
i never feel so much anger here, like now.
try to make it a bit better, but hey you don't even see it.
i work my ass of since last week and still you don't see it.

blue sky, wait me.
i will fly in a moment.
yes, i will.

anger

have you ever feel such a big anger in your heart, waiting to be spoken to someone who's responsible for making it so big, yet you know the responsible person you revered to is your own self? i do. i am. at the moment. ditto.
i can't think. not even to finish my work. i wanna scream. i wanna yell. but i don't know why. i feel like i'm going crazy. crazy little fat stupid person named dinda.
shooootttt. what happen to me exactly?

how can someone who was only work with for like a month, an not the whole month, can trust me to give me a job in a crucial position? do i deserve it? to be trusted?
could someone please convince me so i won't jump from my office building or hang my neck on ceiling?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

failure

my office's clock shows it's 7pm o'clock tonight.
you know, i have had a worse day. a day when i doubt myself. i doubt that i able to work properly.
but i don't know. i kinda think i'm a failure today. a simple task, and yet i can't make it good.
i wish i had this brilliant capability to do everything i'm asked. but i don't.

it's 7.02pm tonight. 2 minutes later and i still feel like a failure.
God, why should i drown myself on my bad thoughts? i know it's my bad thoughts talking. i know everyone won't be great instantly. it takes a lot of missing steps, climbing a lot of mountains, free fall a couple of times from a 80-store building. i know those things. but when it comes to me, i can't help it but looking down at my own self.

suddenly i miss my childhood. i'm a real bad-ass those times. i have no fear. i speak everything that come across my mind. i even complained to my elementary school's headmaster about some things i can't remember now. the point is, i was braver when i was 6 years old than now.

it's almost 7.15pm now. i have to get working again, or i'll sleep on my cubicle.
later.

a little prayer for myself

The end is never the end. A new challenge awaits. A test no man could be prepared for. A new hell he must conquer and destroy. A new level of growth he must confront himself. The machine in the ghost within. This is the journey of the man on the moon. (Kidy Cut)



a little wish for myself.
a little hope for a journey i have rode on.
strength to overcome any obstacles.
a hesitation to prove myself.
a courage i need to start something new.
i h o p e.
i c a n m a k e i t :)

Get it right

What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

who am i?

Me? A BIG DISSAPOINTMENT.

how to escape from your own shadow?

It is almost 4.30 pm here at my cubicle. actually , i still have plenty of works. but i've found this urge to write down about something that's been bothering my head, heart, body haha. it's practically bothering me everywhere.
it goes with a simple question : how to escape from your own shadow?
well, it's not literally your shadow. it's a phrase for something that's been your remark or your identity for quite long time.
i've had this dilemma since i was in college. i don't really wanna talk about it to a lot of people, except those who understand my problem. i never think of it as a mistake. but i don't know why, since my third year, i found that it's getting hard to live using this mask. i can laugh, talk, do everything with it. but inside, i feel so nervous. i think there's something wrong with me. i feel so insecure using this mask. i was petrified. i am petrified, afraid, scared.
now that i have to wear this mask again, i don't have the courage.
and now i hurt all the nicest people i know. what should i do?

expecting unexpected things

i tried to post something since yesterday. i kept on thinking about something before i went to sleep.
you know, i haven't been in a relationship since three years ago. time do flies really fast. for all those times, i keep on bragging to my friend to find me a good guy for me. but somehow, deep down i know i kinda enjoy being alone. at least for now. though at some other times, i feel like i'm alone. like i have nobody to talk to about every dreams i have, every plans i make.

everyday looks like a never ending routine. though i start to enjoy it. i think i need something unexpected or something new to do beside all my daily activities. you know, last friday i got a phone call from a radio i've applied like last year. they offered me a spot for announcer there. and i turned them down. and yet, they called me again last friday. too bad, it went to voicemail. tried to call them back, but i got nothing. it was unpredictable. i think i need that kind of things in my days. i don't wanna end up like someone who doesn't appreciate things that's been given to her. cause i do.

in the middle of my routines, i found several source of happiness, by hearing a lot of good things happen to my dearest one. this close friend of mine, she's involve in some kind of relationship with a boy. she didn't say that they are officially a couple. yet, she was already asked to meet the parents, friends, etc. when she told me the first time, i couldn't stop smiling. i was soo happy that she's happy. another close friend of mine, he got a great offer from a great place. he was confuse about what to do with the offer. cause it was a really really good one. somehow, beneath my self-loathing about my ability, i feel really happy for him. and for a moment, i couldn't help but smiling like i'm the one who got that best offer. this happened too when my sister celebrated he 3years 10months with her boyfriend. i was super happy for her. there's nothing i wish for than tons of happiness for my baby sister. love her too much.

another silly thing is i couldn't stop smiling too whenever i put my ipod on and listen to all of those love songs. especially, one of original soundtrack from Tangled, called I See The Light. it was sang by mandy moore and zachary levy. i don't know why, but everytime i hear Zachary levy's part, i can't stop smiling. literally. in my cubicle, i keep on smiling and repeating that part. weird, considering i have nothing on the same condition, like that song. no boyfriend, no fairy-tales-soon-to-be-love.

those things got me thinking, maybe those sources of happiness i found, were things unexpected in my daily life. maybe for now i should be patient until i find something unexpected between all of those unexpected things.
huuuff i hope my life will be more interesting tomorrow, or the day after.
and if it hasn't, i hope i still have a courage to look for it.

yeah yeah yeah ~

Self Trip

i always wanna take a spontan trip and just take off to somewhere far far from this crowded-slash-busy city called jakarta. so, next friday, i get a day off from office. i didn't plan that actually. my boss said that i got a day off if i worked on saturday. and i did work on last saturday. so i applied to get a day off, and voila i got it, without any plan. shoot. i don't want to spend those three days at home, watching more dvds. i wanna go somewhere, do something. even if i have to go alone. a bit scary though. but why should i keep waiting for company, when i can go all by myself?

so i did a little research. i decide to see Yogyakarta. i searched for planes and trains. it's a bit expensive, considering i'm just a newbie in my office. but hey, it's a chance to arrange my escape, even for a moment. after that, my friend offered me to go to Medan with her. She wants to meet her cousins there. hmm it's a tempting offer. but Medan is also outside javanese island. and i don't think my parents allow me to go outside this island by myself. i did ask my so-called-clique friends to come with me. yeah and as usual, no direct and exact answer. so i take it as a no.

soo here i am. alone at last. trying to create a nice-slash-cheap escapade.
who knows, maybe one day i get a chance to travel around indonesia.
one day, just wait and see :)

playing : '..gotta live like we're dying'
NICE!!

blessed... or not?

it's 15:30 now.
i'll be off of my office at 17:00. i'm not doing anything at the moment. except maybe finish my project and monthly reports. and i won't finish it today.
in the middle of this nothingness, i log on to my facebook and found out some informations about a couple of my junior high school friends. and i just wonder, how could they be so lucky? flying around the world, joining prestigious competitions. why didn't i interest in any of that? instead, i drowned myself into some organizations and joined a lot of events. shoot. did i make the wrong choice? should i follow those competitions instead? i started to question every choice i made, something i haven't really thought about for quite some times. i always thought that those things shaped me into the way i am now. but does the 'now' me is really that good?

i can't help but feeling a bit jealous to them. it was, until i remember a part of song that keep playing on my head this day. this is a song from Adele called Rolling in the Deep. there's a line on that song stated : 'Count your blessings to find what you look for'.
That line got me thinking. And i started to refresh my memory, refresh my social network. and those evidences of my blessings started to show everywhere. started from all of my activities in college, my graduation, and my work. those evidences really show how lucky i am now.

each person has a different path. thus, they get a different bless.
mine were not always look as fabulous nor exciting as theirs. but it's mine. i get that from a really long hard work.

so i'll say, i'm lucky. i'm blessed.
in my own way :)

loyalty

the thing about loyalty is that it can consume you, drown you in a little paradise. when you look it back, you only see a never ending dessert with nothing to hold on to.
a long and rocky journey that i had, makes me questioning myself, why should i be a loyal person?
in a little thing called friendship, at work, in love?
what do i get?
i often hurt by those people who pretend to be my friend, only they do not have such loyalty like i do to them. and it's not their fault somehow, it's mine.
i'm the one who's too sensitive.
shooot.

so-called-love

hmm i don't know what should i write exactly. I almost post something yesterday, but i had some things running in my office. so today, i didn't go out to lunch. i just sat on my cubicle and listen to my ipod. as i opened facebook, i saw a familiar face there on my home page. i don't know why, but suddenly i want to cry when i saw that smiley face. and suddenly, I was taken back to a couple of years before 2011. all the good and bad choices i made, brought me here now. no one understands how hard to make such an important decision like i did back then. whether to follow my heart or my head. and i did prove that i can use my head too once in a while. though i have to suffer a lot after that.

all because of one reason. a silly yet important reason that made me stand on my ground and decided not to take another chance.
was i ever thought that it was a wrong decision? yes.
was i ever regretted it? no.
Cause I think, "us" weren't made for me and that person.

-yeah yeah yeah

a l o n e

so, i started my post with this picture. i downloaded this picture from romanticthoughts.tumblr.com. hmm somehow i can feel this penguins loneliness.

i don't want to sound like a pathetic slash lonely girl who desperately need a boy to guard her. but the truth is, i kinda do. this is a lame post, i think.

shitto.

the worst ain't happen yet

well hello 2011. wohoooow. amazing, i haven't had a chance to write about everything since my last blog about my final assignment. well, here's several things to summarize all those past events :

1. i finally graduated from university of indonesia, with a final GPA 3.54, means i graduated with title CUM LAUDE. yipppiiee. i remember, i sat on the second row that day. and i was really really happy that i finished my school and i can make my parents super happy. my sister and my brother came and made my day even happier. to end that night, i had a little celebration with my whole family. and i was sooooo happy. i got several presents from my uncles. one gave me a book called 'millionaire by thirty' and others gave me a body-shop parfume. sooo happyy.

2. i'm currently working in inke maris and associates. it's a communication consultant, located in tebet. i started to work there since january 2011. i had several other offers, but i decide the best place to start working is the one that relate to your major. so all of your knowledge won't waste. sometimes i feel a lot of pressure here. but most of the times, i feel happy. like today :)
i realize that as a fresh graduate, it's not important to have a great title in an instance. i think it's better to just take it slow, enjoy every moment while it lasts. beside, there's no need to rush everything when you're 21. of course i've set some things to be achieved before i reach 30. but then i fugure, life is really just once so i want to take a slower pace to achieve my dreams. by that, i can appreciate the smallest things and the most un-significant things in my whole life.

3. what else? me and my family went to singapore on last december. we celebrate new year's eve there. sooo happpy to be with the whole family. hahaha :D

well, bottom line, my life has been blessed so far.
in other word, the worst ain't happen to me yet.
another reason why i have to slower my pace :)