cry

the last time i cry hard was when somebody did not appreciate what i did. and keep blaming me. i admited that i might do something that was probably causing the problem. i have tried to reduce the problems by busting my ass off to save it. and yet, not even i get a thank you, that person still blamed me. and once again, i tried hard to save it and i MADE IT!! it was I who did it. ME.

now, i really REALLY wanna cry. i feel useless.
where the hell my so-called close friends? where the hell are they?
i can't think.
i can't work right now.

dream catcher or failure?

here's the deal, i took a vacancy in an international based fast retailing. and i did not get accepted the first screening test, which based only on my essai. while my other friends, git accepted.
life's not fair, huh? damn right it is.
and i took another opportunity and i did not get accepted either.
is this some kind of jokes?
just when i started to believe that the more you try the higher possibility you'll get, this happens.
should i keep on trying?
should i just living the path i live know? and just accept the truth that i'm just an ordinary girl who tries to do big things?
to whom should i call and breakdown and cry?
i do not need a lecture, just need a nice words to cheer me up.
i wish someone read my blog and call me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay.

Grrrr

why is it all the younger, lower in title, newbie always ALWAYS be the one to blame on?
WHY?
and why oh why should i always feel like everything is MY fault?
i admit i didn't aware of that thing, but it doesn't mean i'm stupid, careless.
who the hell am i knowing everything in here?
knowing all the do's and dont's?
and i DID see and review it, i just don't know if that thing was wrong.

yeah yeah yeah.
blame on me.
i never feel so much anger here, like now.
try to make it a bit better, but hey you don't even see it.
i work my ass of since last week and still you don't see it.

blue sky, wait me.
i will fly in a moment.
yes, i will.

anger

have you ever feel such a big anger in your heart, waiting to be spoken to someone who's responsible for making it so big, yet you know the responsible person you revered to is your own self? i do. i am. at the moment. ditto.
i can't think. not even to finish my work. i wanna scream. i wanna yell. but i don't know why. i feel like i'm going crazy. crazy little fat stupid person named dinda.
shooootttt. what happen to me exactly?

how can someone who was only work with for like a month, an not the whole month, can trust me to give me a job in a crucial position? do i deserve it? to be trusted?
could someone please convince me so i won't jump from my office building or hang my neck on ceiling?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

failure

my office's clock shows it's 7pm o'clock tonight.
you know, i have had a worse day. a day when i doubt myself. i doubt that i able to work properly.
but i don't know. i kinda think i'm a failure today. a simple task, and yet i can't make it good.
i wish i had this brilliant capability to do everything i'm asked. but i don't.

it's 7.02pm tonight. 2 minutes later and i still feel like a failure.
God, why should i drown myself on my bad thoughts? i know it's my bad thoughts talking. i know everyone won't be great instantly. it takes a lot of missing steps, climbing a lot of mountains, free fall a couple of times from a 80-store building. i know those things. but when it comes to me, i can't help it but looking down at my own self.

suddenly i miss my childhood. i'm a real bad-ass those times. i have no fear. i speak everything that come across my mind. i even complained to my elementary school's headmaster about some things i can't remember now. the point is, i was braver when i was 6 years old than now.

it's almost 7.15pm now. i have to get working again, or i'll sleep on my cubicle.
later.

a little prayer for myself

The end is never the end. A new challenge awaits. A test no man could be prepared for. A new hell he must conquer and destroy. A new level of growth he must confront himself. The machine in the ghost within. This is the journey of the man on the moon. (Kidy Cut)



a little wish for myself.
a little hope for a journey i have rode on.
strength to overcome any obstacles.
a hesitation to prove myself.
a courage i need to start something new.
i h o p e.
i c a n m a k e i t :)

Get it right

What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

who am i?

Me? A BIG DISSAPOINTMENT.

how to escape from your own shadow?

It is almost 4.30 pm here at my cubicle. actually , i still have plenty of works. but i've found this urge to write down about something that's been bothering my head, heart, body haha. it's practically bothering me everywhere.
it goes with a simple question : how to escape from your own shadow?
well, it's not literally your shadow. it's a phrase for something that's been your remark or your identity for quite long time.
i've had this dilemma since i was in college. i don't really wanna talk about it to a lot of people, except those who understand my problem. i never think of it as a mistake. but i don't know why, since my third year, i found that it's getting hard to live using this mask. i can laugh, talk, do everything with it. but inside, i feel so nervous. i think there's something wrong with me. i feel so insecure using this mask. i was petrified. i am petrified, afraid, scared.
now that i have to wear this mask again, i don't have the courage.
and now i hurt all the nicest people i know. what should i do?