how to escape from your own shadow?

It is almost 4.30 pm here at my cubicle. actually , i still have plenty of works. but i've found this urge to write down about something that's been bothering my head, heart, body haha. it's practically bothering me everywhere.
it goes with a simple question : how to escape from your own shadow?
well, it's not literally your shadow. it's a phrase for something that's been your remark or your identity for quite long time.
i've had this dilemma since i was in college. i don't really wanna talk about it to a lot of people, except those who understand my problem. i never think of it as a mistake. but i don't know why, since my third year, i found that it's getting hard to live using this mask. i can laugh, talk, do everything with it. but inside, i feel so nervous. i think there's something wrong with me. i feel so insecure using this mask. i was petrified. i am petrified, afraid, scared.
now that i have to wear this mask again, i don't have the courage.
and now i hurt all the nicest people i know. what should i do?

expecting unexpected things

i tried to post something since yesterday. i kept on thinking about something before i went to sleep.
you know, i haven't been in a relationship since three years ago. time do flies really fast. for all those times, i keep on bragging to my friend to find me a good guy for me. but somehow, deep down i know i kinda enjoy being alone. at least for now. though at some other times, i feel like i'm alone. like i have nobody to talk to about every dreams i have, every plans i make.

everyday looks like a never ending routine. though i start to enjoy it. i think i need something unexpected or something new to do beside all my daily activities. you know, last friday i got a phone call from a radio i've applied like last year. they offered me a spot for announcer there. and i turned them down. and yet, they called me again last friday. too bad, it went to voicemail. tried to call them back, but i got nothing. it was unpredictable. i think i need that kind of things in my days. i don't wanna end up like someone who doesn't appreciate things that's been given to her. cause i do.

in the middle of my routines, i found several source of happiness, by hearing a lot of good things happen to my dearest one. this close friend of mine, she's involve in some kind of relationship with a boy. she didn't say that they are officially a couple. yet, she was already asked to meet the parents, friends, etc. when she told me the first time, i couldn't stop smiling. i was soo happy that she's happy. another close friend of mine, he got a great offer from a great place. he was confuse about what to do with the offer. cause it was a really really good one. somehow, beneath my self-loathing about my ability, i feel really happy for him. and for a moment, i couldn't help but smiling like i'm the one who got that best offer. this happened too when my sister celebrated he 3years 10months with her boyfriend. i was super happy for her. there's nothing i wish for than tons of happiness for my baby sister. love her too much.

another silly thing is i couldn't stop smiling too whenever i put my ipod on and listen to all of those love songs. especially, one of original soundtrack from Tangled, called I See The Light. it was sang by mandy moore and zachary levy. i don't know why, but everytime i hear Zachary levy's part, i can't stop smiling. literally. in my cubicle, i keep on smiling and repeating that part. weird, considering i have nothing on the same condition, like that song. no boyfriend, no fairy-tales-soon-to-be-love.

those things got me thinking, maybe those sources of happiness i found, were things unexpected in my daily life. maybe for now i should be patient until i find something unexpected between all of those unexpected things.
huuuff i hope my life will be more interesting tomorrow, or the day after.
and if it hasn't, i hope i still have a courage to look for it.

yeah yeah yeah ~